Thursday, February 5, 2009

Stimulus Bill

You should be happy to note the 400 450 700 800 900 billion dollar stimulus bill is progressing well. We have a bipartisan team going over the bill line-by-line.

Some feel that we shouldn't sacrifice our long term future by shoving ourselves further into debt. However, at this point we have a very legitimate economic crisis that must be addressed. America elected me to handle the economic crisis, and I intend to do exactly that.

I could attempt to get foreign leaders to enforce intellectual property laws, ensuring that US businesses profited fairly from their created works (such as music, movies, books, software, video games, etc) but that would make entirely too much sense.

I could give tax breaks to businesses, trying to encourage them to stay away from layoffs, and to give the stock market a much needed surge.

I could create a wage-tariff based on the federal minimum wage, taxing businesses who move jobs out of the country the difference in minimum wage they are saving, encouraging them to keep those jobs in the country.

I could open up more government jobs and directly employ the American public.

I could put cash directly in your hands.

Instead, we are pushing a major stimulus package that will largely hand hundreds of billions of dollars to corporations in a trickle-down-economics policy that Democrats have mocked for decades. Look, I understand this is an unpopular move, with polls showing most Americans are against it.

And I know that so far, we have mishandled these packages, allowing failed corporations to simply pocket large bonuses at tax payer expense, rewarding the executives who ran their companies into the ground. We allowed them to cash out stock at our expense. However, we admit these were mistakes.

We're going to place caps on what executives can make with this stimulus.

We will remove some pork from the package, which is better than nothing.
Hair Force One
And we will move some of the money to focus on building infrastructure, which arguably should have been our primary economic stimulus tactic from day one. By investing in infrastructure, we infuse money directly into the economy, not simply into CEO's pockets, but by purchasing goods and services from American businesses. And unlike hand-outs which won't be paid back, the country gains immediate and long-lasting benefit as that infrastructure helps the country grow and develop. We create jobs directly in the infrastructure projects (not necessarily as an expanding government, but in private contractors). And when I asked Panetta for advice, he said the only thing he's learned on the job so far running the CIA is that their IT guys just like saying infrastructure a lot.

Say it. Infrastructure. I think it is the new paradigm.

Who deserves the credit for this shift to infrastructure? Well, that would be Hair Force One, also known as Ben Nelson, the Republican-in-Democrat's clothing from the state of Nebraska. I thought all they had was a football team, and apparently not even that so much anymore. But Nebraska did break tradition (they were the single reddest state in the 2004 election) by giving one of their electoral votes to me. It hasn't been forgotten.

Is the stimulus bill perfect? Who knows. All I know is that Nelson is doing his best, and when he explains the virtue of it to me, all I can do is stare at that hair of his and agree.

Justice Ginsberg

Justice Ruth Ginsburg had surgery today to treat pancreatic cancer. As a loyal liberal judge on the Supreme Court, I want to thank her for her many years of service, not only to the country, but to liberal politics.

I am very grateful that this came up after the inauguration. If this surgery had been performed a few months ago, there might have been a push to replace her while Bush still had power to nominate a justice. Many feel that the seat must be filled by another woman, especially since Justice O'Connor retired. Then we'd have to waste time explaining to Bush we can't appoint that chick from Legally Blonde. She may be patriotic and spunky, but she is also fictional, like his supporters.

And though Ginsberg already fought cancer once successfully while serving in the SCOTUS in 1999, she is now 75 years old. I think the time has come for her to think of herself, and her health. I promise to fill her seat with someone else that will carry on her legacy of excellent service, liberal policies, respect for civil rights and devotion to country. By that I mean I will likely just recycle someone else from the Clinton administration.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The New Centrist

I just read Ann Althouse's post, about Dahlia Lithwick's comments about how I'm going to nominate judges. Commenting on other's comments about another's comments can be seen as needless chatter in the blogosphere and entirely too meta, however given that the whole discussion is about my policies, I figure I'd throw in some direct insight.

Lithwick seems to believe that liberal American wants a loud, vocal and visible liberal presence on the Supreme Court, and that given that I'm a moderate centrist, I will be unlikely to appoint one. First off, I'm not sure anyone in America is clamoring for loud Supreme Court justices, thought my Wikipedia vandalism of Roberts may give some that impression. Justices shouldn't legislate from the bench, nor should they have extremely visible political bias. Instead of trying to even out bias with opposing, or worse yet, majority bias, how about we try to look for objective judges who will do their best to preserve the spirit and sanctity of the Constitution instead of pushing partisan agenda?

I know, clearly a ridiculous proposition.

Althouse misses the point entirely and decides to focus on minutia and labels. She spins partisan bias ensisting that now all liberals are seen as moderates, and conservatives as extremes. When your conservatives are Sarah Palin, then perhaps people might get that impression. She also mocks the notion that I'm a moderate centrist, despite the fact I've reached across the aisle in nominating cabinet members.

This is what I really wanted to clarify.

I'm the center of the universe, and thusly a centrist. The new political model is no longer a representation of traditional social and financial extremes, and where you fall along those axis, but rather your distance from my perfect policies.

Apparently she didn't get the memo.

Gunning for Palin

Palin showing off her "guns"
I somewhat covered this ground the other day with Limbaugh, but I'm really not worried about this speculation of a Palin/Perry ticket in 2012. I think the United States just sent a very clear message in November. That message was not that we want a more conservative government. So if Palin is organizing a new website, and backing a guy who may not even have a job next year as her big political partner, I feel giddy about the 2012 election.

Am I even going to have to get out of bed for that election? I can easily hit the snooze button and let SNL handle that campaign for me.

But please, lets act like decent human beings here. I have no qualms with Palin photoshops, or SNL parodies, but I draw a line when people attempt to burn down her church.

At the same time I'm reading news articles about Jimmy Carter down in Birmingham, Alabama trying to reconcile racial differences in a church bombed by the Ku Klux Klan in 1963, I read how Palin's church is just now reopening because some idiots tried to burn it down.

Having recently watched The Patriot on BluRay, I can't but help think of the church burning scene (about five minutes into the embedded clip here). I know some of you disagree with Sarah Palin's politics. You don't like her fundamentalist ways. But I will never endorse anyone burning down a church, especially by people who feel they are supporting the Liberal cause.

Unless of course, we're talking about the Westboro Baptist Church. Then I might just have to look the other way.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I Keep Telling Them

Obama Even More Awesome Than Originally Thought

This Is How You Do It

Idiots like Blagojevich need to wise up and be more like Michael Phelps.

So I decided to set an example myself. Own up to your mistakes. Take credit. Then move forward.

When you attempt to duck something, it hangs over your head. People will come after you for it. But the moment you apologize and take responsibility, people really can't criticize you anymore. What is left to say? They want to point out you screwed up? Tell 'em, yes, I screwed up.

It silences your critics amazingly well.

As for my boy Phelps, he did absolutely nothing but eat, sleep and swim for 8 years. He didn't even have a girlfriend, just a pet dog. He made history and came through despite near-impossible expectations. He deserves a break, and a chance to celebrate. So at the ripe age of 23, as a new-found millionaire celebrity, he went to a party, someone handed him a bong, and he made like McConaughey and took a hit.

This isn't a guy who was caught buying the drugs to feed a steady habit. He volunteered for extra drug testing during his Olympics run. And unlike Billy-Boy, he didn't change his story, and then claim he never inhaled.

Despite his age, Phelps had the good sense to admit his mistake. I hope Washington takes notice.

A Man Amongst Men

Okay so Nancy Killefer didn't pay taxes. Neither did Timothy Geithner and I guess Tom Daschle forgot as well. Rod Blagojevich and Bill Richardson have little regard for the law either. So suddenly people are questioning who I'm spending time with, and who I have ties to. Say what you will about guys like Daschle and Blagojevich, but they're no Bill Ayers.

Excited for America

We've been so mired in negativity in this country for the past couple of years that it is hard for some to be excited about our future. Sure the economy is down. People are losing their jobs. And thus far, most of our bailout packages have allowed rich execs to pocket massive bonuses for running companies into the ground.

That being said, if we're smart, maybe we'll take some of this bailout money and invest in infrastructure. We'll spend money to create jobs and build for the future.

Right now the New York Yankees are lying to Congress about property values and milking city, state and federal taxes so they can build a new mammoth stadium (at the same time that the New York Mets are also building a mammoth stadium with tax dollars). A big part of the reason the stadium is so expensive, is that it must be fitted with amenities so that rich luxury box holders are taken care of. Sure the organization is rich and could foot the bill, or ask rich luxury box holders to foot the bill, but that is what your tax dollars are for, even though most of you will never have the wealth to sniff the air in one of those luxury boxes.
Due to the economic crisis, luxury
boxes will only have 14k toilets.
However, this isn't all bad. Local businesses will be able to hold conventions in the stadium. Concerts will go there. And last time I checked, they will even play baseball there. The New York Yankees, for all their evil, are a global brand, and they make money. And frankly, this has got me thinking.

The Olympic Committee has said that by electing me (who doesn't love me?) they are certainly more open to having the Olympics in my home town in 2016. The United States also has a bid to host the 2018 World Cup. Can you imagine hosting these two events back-to-back?

These bids will not only bring revenue into the country, but will raise global perception of the country and foster goodwill with the rest of the world.

And to make these bids happen, we must willing to spend money to refurbish stadiums, boost public transportation, clean up cities, and improve infrastructure. All of these things would mean creating jobs for Americans.

Perhaps most importantly, it would create excitement. Warren Buffet said once that fear of a recession is the number one cause of recession. And while we have legitimate economic problems that need to be addressed, we also have a psychological problem as well.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Thank You Rush Limbaugh

Oh, Rush Limbaugh, how I love you. Some have suggested I should be concerned about you. Some have even suggested that you may galvanize some major force of opposition. Frankly, I'm thinking of sending the man a card for Valentine's Day.

If Rush Limbaugh is the face that represents the anti-Obama movement, then I couldn't possibly look better. I'm not sure anyone has ever mistaken him for a rational, level-headed personality. Frankly if he was, he'd be out of a job.

He is a radio shock jock, and his purpose in this world is to make polarizing statements. If he isn't ticking people off, he'd be filing for unemployment. You could even contend it is more important that people disagree with him, than agree with him.

When he plays "Barack the Magic Negro", I'm neither shocked nor dismayed. Rush downplays the incident, saying he is merely repeating a term he heard others utter. In sensible, civilized society we don't pawn off our behavior saying that it is acceptable to be offensive just because someone else stupidly did so before you. People forget that this is a guy who makes statements such as:
I mean, let’s face it, we didn’t have slavery in this country for over 100 years because it was a bad thing. Quite the opposite: slavery built the South. I’m not saying we should bring it back; I’m just saying it had its merits. For one thing, the streets were safer after dark.
No, Rush relishes the opportunity to make racist statements time and time again. Do I know if he believes them? I'm not sure we ever know the true colors of radio personalities, but that is precisely the point. He has created an image out of either sincerity or business acumen, but it is a personality designed to create ire and derision.I'm not taking the bait. I could mock his past drug addiction, but it would be insensitive and hypocritical. I foolishly took drugs as a child, and thankfully had the good sense to turn my life around. (Buy my book to hear the harrowing and inspiring tale!) I could tear apart his arguments as the nonsense they are, especially when he called Donovan McNabb a media darling that people only liked because he was black. Frankly I've heard the same accusations thrown my way from the same crowd. Last time I checked, McNabb is ranked #18th all time in QB rating, fractions of a point below Dan Marino. And last time I checked, I'm the President of the United States of America, with the support of my loving family.

I'm not worried about critics and pundits, especially those that put their stock of a man that looks like John Wayne Gacy. Limbaugh supporters immediately invalidate themselves simply by supporting him. The only way I'd be terrified of Limbaugh is if he starting wearing clown make-up.


I know just the other day I said to ignore me, and that I shouldn't break the fourth wall by posting out of character.

However, today I have to make an exception. My wife just passed her citizenship test, and instead of waiting five months for the next oath ceremony like we assumed, we found out there is an oath ceremony today.

So in a little over an hour, my wife is about to become a US citizen. I just wanted to say, God help us all. I mean congratulations!

Sunday, February 1, 2009


If I may, I'd like to interrupt my brief semi-comedic ramblings with a more somber note.

The New York Times is one of my favorite newspapers to read, not only because of the favorable slant (which I do appreciate), but because they have some great content. Their website used to require a subscription, but thankfully they woke up and smelled the 21st century. Anyone can read their articles online without a subscription, which increases brand awareness and creates online revenue. Newspapers shouldn't fear the internet, or offer a half-assed implementation into the arena, they need to embrace it fully.

So I'm reading the Times, and I come across an article by none other than Muammar Qaddafi on Israel. My younger readers may not be familiar with Qaddafi, but he was once seen as one of America's greatest enemies. He was a proud financier of terrorism. He funded the Black September group who perpetuated the awful Munich massacre of Israeli athletes at the 1972 Olympics. That was truly a dark time, though I must say, the vastly underrated Munich is one of Spielberg's best films in years. People may mock the man for Indy IV, and sure he hasn't had a good ending to any of his films in a long time (see Minority Report, AI, War of the Worlds, Indy IV), but don't forget that this is the director who gave us Jaws, Close Encounters, Indy, ET, Color Purple, Amistad, Saving Private Ryan, and Schindler's List. No one will talk smack about Steve Friggin' Spielberg on my watch.

I digress. So Qaddafi has a history of paying men to kill Jews. He also paid men to kill Americans. But when he decides to write a piece with a solution for Israel, I must say I was absolutely shocked with what he has to say.

The basis for the modern State of Israel is the persecution of the Jewish people, which is undeniable. The Jews have been held captive, massacred, disadvantaged in every possible fashion by the Egyptians, the Romans, the English, the Russians, the Babylonians, the Canaanites and, most recently, the Germans under Hitler. The Jewish people want and deserve their homeland.

Qaddafi has turned a new leaf in recent years. He has paid reparations to families of terrorism victims. He willingly ended his nuclear weapon program. He is distributing oil wealth to his people. He agreed to fight Al-Qaeda, even before the September 11th attacks.
Arguably no man is a better ambassador for common sense in this bloody feud. While many insist the notion of peace as a pipe-dream, impossible in a land viewed as fanatical, Qaddafi has proven that people can grow to see the errors of their ways and move past extreme views and violence.

His advice is sound, and especially riveting given the source. Then again, Panetta just informed me that the latest intelligence suggests that some years ago Qaddafi was replaced by Tom Jones, which explains his female babe-squad of bodyguards.

I will be making a serious post on my suggested policy on Israel at a later date. But right now, the Super Bowl is calling. I need to grab a beer and head over to the TV.

I know I should stop with the Panetta jokes that probably no one else on the planet enjoys, but when the CIA announces that they were unhappy that my choice for the CIA chief caught them off guard, because the process was too secret, I get worried. Shouldn't the CIA know what is going on? Should they ever announce publicly they have no idea what is going on? And maybe it isn't that Panetta has no intelligence experience in his career, maybe he is so good at his job, no one knows that he has any intelligence experience, because people underestimate his sneakiness.

Super Bowl Sunday

I apologize for not updating this blog, not that many people know about it. I've been busy with running the country, and the damned Secret Service have been working to make sure I have a secure BlackBerry. I tried calling Panetta for assistance, but he is still fighting with IT. Apparently his voice-mail password is also privileged information, so he never gets my messages.

However today is practically a national holiday. I would be remiss it I didn't acknowledge it. And as a sports fan (despite Bill Simmons calling that into question) I'm looking forward to game. As everyone knows, I'm rooting for the Steelers for a couple of reasons.

For one, if they can win a second Super Bowl with horrible production from their QB, then maybe my hometown Bears have a shot. I'm looking at you, Grossman.

Secondly, I'm also a big fan of Omar Epps. I don't know how he has time to coach the Steelers, and star on House. I've seen a few articles saying that players are especially motivated this year, not just to win a championship and get paid bonuses, but because they want to be the first sports team to go to the White House and meet me.

Well, frankly can you blame them?

Seriously, I really hope the Steelers win because I want to ask Epps what is up with him and 13? Who wouldn't want to sleep with a kinky girl who likes to bring other women to bed with them, but why has he got to be stupid and throw away his career over a woman who won't be around long term? Maybe I can talk some sense into him.

Enjoy the game. I promise I'll post some more after the game.

Ignore the Man Behind The Curtain

I want to apologize for a couple of reasons. First, I don't want to break the fourth wall and post out of character. You're here for the funny, not me ranting. I also want to apologize to the two of you who say the first couple of posts here, decided you liked what you saw and came back looking for more content.

My intention was to have 30 pieces of content a month, and I still intend to do as such. Unfortunately last week my computer died and a bunch of other things happened, but that is beside the point.

I am building a new computer today, and I will try to have a staple of material written ahead of time and saved as a buffer in case I run into problems like this again.

I will also try to post better content. Nothing so far has been brilliant or particularly witty, but frankly I've devoted more time on the layout (xml and css - which I've tried very hard to mimic Obama's real sites to look consistent) and advertising the site. I'm just going to focus on content, and I hope if any of you are reading this, you would be so kind as to pass the link along to other people and hopefuly word of mouth does the rest.

If you beyond all reason enjoy the site, think I'm a genius and want to donate money to me because my computer died, and I had to buy a new one when I'm broke, well you can donate money to Habitat for Humanity. Frankly, there are far worse off people in the world than I am. This site is not designed to make money, nor am I the type of person to accept donations. In the unlikely scenario that this site is insanely successful and I'd be an idiot not to, then I might consider some Google text ads. But again, I'm not trying to make money.

I just hope that someone finds the site humorous, and maybe the site also helps bring people together despite the partisan split in this country.

Thanks, and ignore me. I'm not really here.
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