I just signed my very first executive order. I now made it a federal felony to hack someone's Twitter account. That Tweet under my name where I was supposedly offering free gas money for answering a survey, that clearly wasn't me.
Furthermore, the tweet where I supposedly posted that I would visit your child's birthday at Chuck E Cheese if you provided your credit card number, also wasn't me. That was the hackers again.
However, the tweet where I confessed my unironic and unapologetic love for Al Franken, that was me.
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